First it was just us two.
Then our hearts broke when we thought four was certain…but life held other mysteries.
Now, sweet little four is due to join us in the short, cold days of winter, and we’re living in the joy of anticipation.
I’ve been so angsty these past four months: unsure of how to process, unsure of how to celebrate, unsure of how to share the news.
My heart hurts even right now for dear friends carrying the weight of bitter pain while I get to post this cheery note.
For every pregnancy announcement popping up, I’m acutely aware that another heart somewhere is stinging with loss.
For every pair of baby shoes joining the row of family sneakers, every gaggle of blue/pink balloons soaring into the air, every double line on a stick that was, let’s face it, involved in someone’s trip to the toilet, for every happy due date…there is another someone’s disappointing goodbye to the fertility specialist, a punch-in-the-gut ultrasound sending parents spinning into darkness, a purchased pack of pads for blood spilled much too early.
It’s messy business, this life.
This bringing of life.
This mourning of lost lives.
This wishing for lives that haven’t come to be.
This living with it all.
We shoulder the sorrows of the brokenhearted.
We hope, and we trust, and we revel in joy when joy is near.
If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there;
if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath.
-Psalm 34:18, The MessageAnd now, God, do it again—
bring rains to our drought-stricken lives
So those who planted their crops in despair
will shout hurrahs at the harvest,
So those who went off with heavy hearts
will come home laughing, with armloads of blessing.
-Psalm 126:4-6, The Message